We're insane, aren't we?
by The Werewolf Mage
Summary: It's the Marauders, being stupid.
1. 1

Title: We're insane, aren't we?

Summary: It's the Marauders, being stupid.

I get bored easilly, OK?

Sirius Black ran through the Common Room, fussing about losing his hair care products. "PRONGS! WHERE ARE YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUU?!"

"Sirius, you're standing on me."

"Oh." In the midst of all his running, Siri had not noticed her had knocked James down and was currently standing on his chest. He got off. "Sorry James. Have you seen my hair care products?"

"Remus flushed them down the toilet. Why?"

"MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

"REMUS, RUN!"

Remus was sitting in the boys' dorm, trying to make a lanyard. "WWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!"

"Time to die, Moony." Sirius was standing in the doorway, holding a gopher.

"What for?"

"Flushing my hairspray."

Remus looked shocked. "Why would I do such a thing?"

Sirius stopped. "I...don't....know."

Suddenly Peter raced through the room, yelling that four evil girls had taken his clothing.

"GOOD GRIEF, HE'S NAKED!" Sirius yelled, diving under Remus's bed. Remus was attempting to poke his eyes out with his wand.

"Must....destroy.....retinas...."

James hopped in, racing Lily, both riding kangaroos.

"Onward, Frakadula!"

"I'm winning, James!"

Sirius peeked out from under the bed. "What'd I miss?"

"Lily beat James in a kangaroo race."

"AGAIN? JAMES, when will you learn?!"

James looked around, wild-eyed. "NEVER! YOU'LL NEVER LEARN ME NOTHING!"

Remus looked toward the computer screen. "A nice example of butchering the English language."

Sirius continued to crawl under Remus's bed. James and Remus looked at each other, nodded, and leapt onto the bed, hopping like morons.

"Ow...my...spleen...thanks...guys...I...wanted....it...out....of....there..."

"You're welcome!" James laughed, leaping onto his own bed. "Don't touch the lava, Moony."

Together, James and Remus jumped from bed to bed, trying not to hit the floor. As Remus hopped by, Sirius grabbed his leg, knocking him off the bed.

"HELP! HE'S ATTACKING ME AS IF I WERE THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE!"

James laughed and jumped over them. "I WIN!"

"You finally win something." A black-haired, blue-eyed girl said, walking past the door.

"I'M KING OF THE ROCK!"

Remus and Sirius glanced at each other, then burst into laughter. "Some king of the rock." Sirius said, knocking James off his bed.

"Ow, my pants!"

"Oops, sorry mate."

Remus coughed.

"Moony, have you got a cold?" Sirius asked, looking innocent.

"No."

'JAMES, PUT THAT AWAY! THERE ARE CHILDREN READING THIS!"

"I was just cleaning my broom."

"Oh."

"PILLOW FIGHT!" Remus yelled, clobbering James with a large pink pillow.

Sirius looked confused. "How can a pillow fight if it's not alive?"

"LIKE THIS!" Remus magicked his pillow to life, and it began to smother James. "Oopsie."

"Oh, I'm in love with a Canadian MAAAAAAAAAN!" Sirius sang, horribly off-key.

Remus and James looked shocked. "Really?"

"No, I likes womens!"

Remus sighed. "Another example of Language Murder."

"Let's go get some snacks."

"OK!"

So, the three of them went downstairs and started to make their way to the kitchens. They saw Dumbledore. Sirius grinned and walked over to him.

"Hey, you. Yes, you, with the beard. Give me all your onions."

"Why, Mr. Black, onions I have none. Allergic, I am."

"Really?"

"Yes, they make my bum turn purple."

James groaned. "Not hungry."

Remus pretended to barf. "Mummy my brain hurts."

"BUTT CRAMP!" Sirius yelped, running through the halls. He ran into Snape.

"Hey Snivvy."

"Hello, Black. Being retarded, are we?"

"NO!"

"Then, why, dear boy, are you holding your bum?"

"It hurts. WILL YOU KISS IT AND MAKE IT BETTER?!"

Snape blinked. "Walk away." he said, slowly, and began to step backwards, hit a statue, and fell down four flights of stairs.

Meanwhile, James and Remus were attempting to find Sirius. "James, did you know I can speak French?"

"No, Moony, I didn't."

"Yep. French bread, French toast, French muffins..." he started to laugh.

"You're stupid, Moony."

"Yes, I know."

"Hey, Moony?"

"Yes?"

"I love cheese."

"I know you do."

"Can I marry some cheese?"

"No, I think it's illegal."

"Blast."

Sirius was now bouncing around on a pogo stick he had conjured out of nowhere. "TOP OF THE MORNING MR. SCARY MOUSE!"

A small mouse ran out of a hole in the wall, saw Sirius, and died of fright. Sirius began to cry.

"REME! FIX IT!"

James and Remus cut the corner and began to laugh.

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"You're sitting on it."

.....A/n.....

If anyone liked it, which I doubt, I'll continue.


	2. 2

We're insane, aren't we?

Chapter 2

"KIDNAP THE SANDY CLAWS, BEAT HIM WITH A STICK, LOCK HIM UP FOR 90 YEARS, SEE WHAT MAKES HIM TICK!" That was Sirius, singing off-key, again, trying to awaken Remus, who was curled up in a fetal position, sucking him thumb.

"But, Mummy, I don't want to go to school today. I want to stay home and bake cookies with you." Remus muttered, falling off his bed.

Sirius blinked, looked at James, and began to smack Remus. Hard.

"NO, STOP! RAPE! CHILD ABUSE!"

"SIRIUS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"

"Attempting to awaken Mr. Moony?"

"It looked like something else."

Remus blinked. "SIRIUS IS MICHAEL JACKSON!"

Sirius, Remus, and James began to dance and sing 'Thriller' in a horribly good imitation of Michael Jackson. Then they stopped.

"Now what do we do?" James asked.

"LET'S SCRATCH OUR CHINS AND THINK OF THE POSSIBILITIES!"

So they sat, scratched, and thought.

"IDEEEAAA!"

"WHAT?"

"We go eat pie."

Remus and James stared at Siri for a second, then yelled, "PIE!"

And so, they raced down to the kitchens, and began a pie eating contest. Sirius won.

"Mummy, I don't feel so good." He groaned.

"I'd be surprised if you did. You ate 1,853 pies."

Sirius glanced at Remus. "OK, Moony, that's it. You're drunk. Give me your keys."

"Say what?"

"How?"

"Where?"

"Who did what for how much money?"

"I did." James said. "In the hall, with the candlestick."

"Candlestick?"

"It's spanking time!" Sirius laughed, attempting to spank Remus, who ran away, and hid in a suit of armor.

"NOT SPANKING TIME!" James shrieked like a girl and ran away. Siri was all alone.

"Guys? Come off it, I was just joking!"

James had found Remus and was attempting to hid in the armor with him. "Move your foot, James, that's my face!"

"Well, you move your butt!"

"OUCH!"

James groaned. "Well, I'm not having any children."

"You're welcome, James."

Sirius was walking past at that moment and saw, traumatized, the scene written above. "I'm so scared right now!" He ran and hid in the girl's bathroom.

"SIRIUS BLACK!" Two female Gryffindors in their year shoved him back out into the hall and tossed a roll of toilet paper on his head.

Remus and James had managed to get out of the armor and were looking for Sirius when McGonagall came their way.

"Hello, Professor..." James said sweetly, batting his eyelashes.

"Potter, Lupin."

"Have you seen Mr. Black?"

"No, I haven't."

"DAMN YOU WOMAN!"

"POTTER! 100 POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR AND A WEEK OF DETENTION!"

James bowed. "Thanks you sir, may I have another?"

McGonagall growled and marched past, so as to not go to Azkaban for student murder.

...A/n....

I know, shortness. Sorry. DON'T KILL ME! I NEED TO LIVEEEEEEEEE!


	3. 3

We're Insane, Aren't We?

Chapter 3

James Potter had made a discovery and wished to share it with his friends. So, he went running, pelt-melt, into the boy's bathroom, where Sirius was showering.

"Hey, Padfoot, I -- Whoa! You're naked!"

"Uh, DUH, Prongs! People generally are when they're BATHING!"

"Oh, well, guess what?"

"What?" Sirius groaned, trying to bathe in peace, but that wasn't going to happen.

"ICE MICE ARE PEOPLE! PEOPLE, I TELLS YA!"

"JAMES, STOP BUTCHERING ENGLISH!" A small yell from way above was head.

"SORRY MOONY!"

"'S'all right."

"JAMES, GO AWAY!"

"NEVER!" James yelled, attempted to run from Sirius, slid on a bar of soap, and knocked himself out. Sirius groaned, wrapped a towel around his nude-ness, and drug James to their dorm.

"What should we do with him?" Remus asked.

"Hmm, let's make him pretty."

"YAY!"

So, the two of them put James into a girl's dress robes, did his hair, nails, make-up, the works. You name it, they did it.

An hour later, James awoke, to the pain of his aching head. "Owie, never going to do that again." He muttered. Sirius and Remus were laughing hysterically. "What's so funny?" James asked. Sirius pointed to a mirror. "AAAAHHHH! WHAT DID YOU TWO DO?!"

"Don't worry, Prongs. It's not permenant!"

"It better not be!" But, James got it off, thankfully before dinner.

"I hate you guys." He muttered, still angry at bedtime.

"Well, I'm used to rejection."

"I'M NOT!" Sirius wailed. He clung to James's knees, sobbing and begging for forgiveness.

James looked at Moony, nearly panicking. "WHAT DO I DO?" he mouthed. Remus just shook his head.

"Er, you're forgiven?" James questioned, more to himself than to anyone.

"YAY!" Sirius grabbed James into a big bear hug, squeezing him a little too tight.

"ACK! Padfoot, let me go before my eyes pop out!"

Laughing, Remus made a popping noise with his mouth.

"JAMES! NOOOOOOO!" Sirius wailed, trying not to laugh, and yet, trying not to be too overdramatic. He failed. "WHAT WILL YOU DO WITHOUT YOUR EYES?!"

"Oh, my, and god, Sirius, I'm fine!"

"Oh." Sirius said, dropping James.

"Now I'm not."

" 'Oh, my and god'?" Remus asked. "Which of the girls did you take that from?"

"Uh, I can't remember."

"They'll be awful sore at you James."

"I know and franly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

Remus and James looked at each other, and then burst into peals of laughter. Sirius glanced at the computer monitor.

"I don't get it."


	4. 4

We're Insane, Aren't We?

Chapter 4

The boys, bored as ever, were trying to think of something to do.

"Moony?"

"Yeah, James?"

"I'm bored. What do you wanna do?"

"I dunno, what do you wanna do, Padfoot?"

"I dunno, what do YOU wanna do?"

"I dunno."

"ENOUGH!"

"Sorry, James."

James sat up, getting an idea. "Let's mess with the Slytherins during Quidditch practice!"

Sirius groaned, and rolled over. "We did that LAST week."

"Oh."

"Well, let's go tamper in the Prefect's bathroom."

"GREAT IDEA MOONY!"

So, they raced downstairs to the Prefect's bathroom, whispered the password, and raced back in. Laughing, they redecorated the whole bathroom with rubber duckies. Then they replaced the toilets with fire hydrants. You know who's idea that was. Lastly, they messed up the knobs that poured out different bubbles baths, so that one squirted out ketchup, one shot out hot sauce, one swirled Mountain Dew, and you don't want to know the rest.

Soundlessly, they waited for someone to go take a bath and the first person was just the one they wanted. Snape.

"This is gonna be ---"

"Shush, he'll hear you!"

"BE QUIET!" Remus hissed loudly.

They lay in wait for what they wanted to hear: "HOLY HELL! WHAT HAPPENED!" A few squeaks of a rubber duckie followed. Then: "AAAH! MY ASS! HOT SAUCE!"

"Oh, my, and god! I can't breathe!" James was rolling around on the floor, clutching his sides, tears of laughter running down his cheeks.

"MY CHEST.... CAN'T BREATHE!"

Remus said nothing. He was biting his lip to keep from being heard.

"Moony, you're going to bust your lip like that."

"I know, but it's better than having... Snape... hear... us...."

He trailed off. Standing in the bathroom door, covered in hot sauce and wearing naught but a towel, was Snape.

"I should have known. I'LL KILL YOU!"

So, he chased the Marauders all around and up and down and left to right and even diagonally through the castle. He only stopped when he lost his towel.


	5. 5

We're insane, aren't we?

A/N Wow, just wanted to say thanks to all the reviewrs. SUPER COOL!

Chapter 5

"Oh, I'm so happy, doing the Neutron Dance, old Snivvy lost his pants."

"SIRIUS!"

"WHAAAAT?!"

"NO DIRTY LYRICS!"

Sirius grinned. "OK, I'll give you more dirty lyrics." He cleared his throat and began to sing:

"Mrs. Landers was a health nut, she cooked food in a wok  
Mr. Harris was her boyfriend and he had a great big  
Cock-a-doodle-doodle, the rooster just won't quit  
And I don't want my breakfast because it tastes like  
Shitzus make good house pets, they're cuddly and sweet  
Monkeys aren't good to have 'cause they like to beat their  
Meeting in the office, or meeting in the hall  
The boss, he wants to see you, so you can suck his  
Balzac was a writer, he lived with Allen Funt  
Mrs. Roberts didn't like him, but that's 'cause she's a  
Contaminated water can really make you sick  
Your bladder gets infected, and blood comes out your  
Dictate what I'm saying, 'cause it will bring you luck  
And if you all don't like that, well, I don't give a flying--"

James looked shocked. "SIRIUS!"

"I wasn't going to say it, Jesus Tap-Dancing Christ!"

Remus looked scared, not saying a word. Until Sirius poked him. "OW! What was that for?"

"Because I can."

"Oh, but did it have to hurt?!"

"Yes, yes it did."

James laughed. "You guys are so stupid."

"Actually, James, just Sirius is."

"I'M NOT STUPID! I'M SIRIUS! Stupid was my twin brother's name."

Remus started to laugh. "Yeah, the twin in the mirror."

"Hey, shut up!"

"Nope."

"DAMN YOU MOONY!"

Remus just laughed.


	6. 6

We're Insane, Aren't We?

Chapter 6

A/n Might need to change the rating on this one....

"REMUS!"

"What, Sirius?"

"Do you want to hear a joke?"

"No, but you'll tell one anyway, won't you?"

"Yeah. Ok, OK, here's goes: One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."  
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered:  
"An apple."  
"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."  
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.  
"Is it a peach?"  
"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically.  
The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.  
"A banana," she says.  
"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."  
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it it's round, hard, and it got a head on it."  
"Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!"  
"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like the way your thinking!"

"That wasn't funny, Sirius. That was perverted."

"Aw, relax, Moony! Here's another one: One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the  
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my  
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very  
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.  
I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will  
motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a  
good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing  
this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the  
ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the  
hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr.  
Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is  
your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards  
Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr.  
Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not  
notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few  
motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her  
husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore  
him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that  
goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half  
and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

"Sirius, WHERE DO YOU HEAR THESE THINGS?!"

"Ah, can't tell you that."

"WHY NOT!"

"I'd get in trouble!"

Remus groaned and shook his head.

....A/n....

Ah, not much, sorry. But what should they do next? You guys decide,


	7. 7

We're Insane, Aren't We?

Chapter 7

A/n I'm so sorry, but it's up to PG-13 for a reason. We don't want this taken down, do we?

Oh and thanks to Puss No Boots for the idea.

Well, it certainly was odd. It appeared that Sirius's bed had sprouted legs. No, wait, that was him. He had been searching for something under there and had gotten stuck in his own junk pile, which had been growing since first year.

"GUYS! HELP! I do believe I'm stuck."

"Well, Sirius, it's your own fault."

"Hey, shut up!"

James stared at the monsterous pile. "What's under there, anyway?"

"Ah, bubble gum wrappers, old notes, homework that never got turned in, Moony's watch, and ME!"

"MY WATCH?! Sirius, you packrat!"

"That's me!"

"I said "packrat", not "pervert"." Remus sighed.

"Well, I suppose we should get him out of there, Moony?"

"I suppose."

So, they tried to pull him out. Well, it appeared that everyone's favorite dog, was stuck.

"MOOOONY! HELP ME!"

"Give me my watch, first."

"HOLY CRAP!"

"What, what, whaaaaaaaaat?!"

"There's, like, little people living under here!"

James stared at Remus. "OK, either the fumes have gone to his head, or there really is little people under there." So they listened, and they heard, in a very small voice:

"It is Our Creator, from the Land of Big!"

And a small chorus of "HUZZAH!" followed.

"GUYS! THEY THINK I'M A GOD OR SOMETHING!" Sirius whined, his feet kicking frantically.

Remus laughed. "Should we leave him there?"

"No, no, I think we should save him. Come on." James and Remus left, coming back wearing Haz-Mat suits and carrying pitchforks. Together, they finally dug Sirius out from under his bed, and smushed his little people in the process.


	8. 8

We're insane, aren't we?

Chapter 8

It was morning, and the Marauders had going to breakfast.

"My porridge tastes funny." James muttered.

"Well, mine is just right." Sirius snickered.

Suddenly, everything female, yes, EVERYTHING female, began staring at James as though he was the hottest person to grace the Halls of Hogwarts.

"Guys... what's going on?"

"I dunno, James. Maybe you got too much handsome sleep." Sirius said, nearly dying of laughter.

"WHAT DID YOU GUYS DO!"

"Nothing." Remus said, looking innocent. "Come on, let's go to Potions."

So, they went to Potions, but every single female in the castle was drawn to James.

"James, may I sit next to you?"

"No, I want to sit next to James!"

"No, me!"

"ME!"

All the girls in the class were fighting over who got to sit next to James. Finally, he gave up and curled up in a little ball in the corner of the class.

"Poor James." Sirius laughed.

"I know. Ah, well, the potion will wear off at 6:00 tonight." Remus grinned. The two had slipped an Attraction Potion into James porridge, if you haven't already guessed.

All that day, girls were fawning over James, who was about to die from fright.

"Moony, make them stop!"

"NEVER! MWHAHAHAHA!"

James blinked, and ran, screaming, up to the Common Room. "Must... get... away... from... all... females..." he panted.

Finally in the safety of the boys' dorm, he crawled into his wardrobe to hide. But, no, the females burst through the door and drug him off, squealing.

BUT! before they could get him to wherever it was they were taking him, the clocks stuck 6.

The seven girls toting James dropped him. "What are we doing?" they asked each other.

"Dunno." another shrugged.

"Ah, well, let's get dinner."

"OK!"


	9. 9

We're Insane, Aren't We?

Chapter 9

A/n Just a random idea for nowhere.

Sirius, Remus, and James were seated in the Common Room, studying. Well, at least Remus was. Sirius was about to die from boredom, and so was James.

"James" Sirius asked innocently.

"Yes"

"Do you know the Muffin Man"

"The what now"

"The Muffin Man."

James leaned back in his chair and said"No, Sirius, I do not know of this Man of Muffins of which you speak."

They laughed while Remus was less than amused. "Why don't you guys act your age"

"NO" Sirius cried, attempting to hide under a couch. The first years on it squealed and jumped off.

"WELL, THEN, GO SOMEWHERE ELSE" Remus snapped.

James saluted, grabbed Sirius by the legs and drug him out of the Common Room.

"Where are we going" Sirius asked, skipping excitedly like a schoolgirl.

"Dunno, mate."

"I thought you knew" Sirius gasped, looking shocked.

James grinned. "Well, let's go, then."

"Wait, I'm confused." Sirius said, stopping.

"I thought you were serious." James snickered.

So they linked arms, and skipped outside, where, seeing as how it was a Saturday, loads of students were enjoying the fresh air.

"What should we do" Sirius asked. James just grinned and pointed to a group of Gryffindor girls, which included Lily Evans.

Sirius marched over there, and propped his arm against the dark-haired girl's shoulder. "Hello, love."

"Hello, ass." she sighed.

"LILY" James gasped, throwing his arms around her. "I never thought I'd see you again"

"Uh, James..."

But the guys wouldn't leave the girls alone, expecially Sirius, who kept asking did they know the Muffin Man. Finally, the girls banded together and tossed the guys into the lake.

"They want us." Sirius laughed.

"Totally."


End file.
